What I want to say,

Epic - Part 2

2009-07-31T22:39:05Z

It's good to have numerous interests, or so I think I would probably hear people say, if I listened to them more. I'm not sure I'd believe them though. There can be such a thing as too many interests... or maybe it's not so much interests, but my being interested by many things, which I never stick at long enough to develop into full blown interests.

I see something, I think, hey, that looks cool... and then I dive into it for... however long it is it takes me to spot something else. I'm like a magpie with ADHD. "Ooh shiny, ooh shiny, ooh shiny." So I never stick at anything long enough to really get good at it. On the plus side it's hard to be bored when you're interested in everything and have stuff just lying around from whichever last adventure you were on that you can pick right up again when caught at a loose end. On the negative side, I never get far enough into anything to really have the knowledge of it stick before I give it up. So every time I return to it it's like I'm starting again from the beginning.

I went back to the Top Cow forums the other day to have a little look around, and I saw some of the artists in the Artist Showcase that I remembered from about 7 years ago. They're damn good now. A little patience, application and effort, and a few years on, just from that little bit of practice every day, they're pro quality some of them. Hell, for all I know they might even be pros. No, not hookers, professionals, as in professional artists.

I think this language learning thing might just be something I'll stick at though. If for no other reason than I'm lousy at it, but still like it, and keep on going... and every time I hear or read something I understand I still get a little buzz of victory from it.

The biggest trouble I seem to have with that is that I keep on starting new languages before I’ve finished the old ones. Not that you can ever really “finish” a language you understand, but what I mean is I move on to the next before I am fluent enough to handle native materials without dictionaries or other help. That’s the level I need to be at before exposure will take care of all my learning needs. Sure, exposure itself might get me there, but exposure is tough when you only understand maybe 20% of what is going on. It tends to discourage me after a fashion. However, if the material is fresh enough or interesting enough, I can watch it many times without a problem. (“ToraDora” in Japanese for instance.) But I also feel that only exposure to the language on its own is a slower way to go about things. I’m not sure I believe in the brilliance of natural language acquisition when it comes to standard media. I mean, things are laid out differently for kids. Kids don’t just pick up the language by watching TV. They have direct interaction with adults. Feedback. Well, I’m not going to get into all that now. I could write an entire book about that kind of thing, not that anyone would read it because who am I, right? I know this post is called Epic, but it’s not going to be book epic.

Ode to Kirihito by Osamu Tezuka – Marvellous. The art is simple, but effective. The story is like a “House” mystery and a roadtrip movie all rolled into one. It really is a classic. Also, it’s a big thick book so it really feels like value for money in your hands. The story is about a doctor who is sent to investigate the mysterious Monmow disease. Is it contagious, or is it caused by factors in the environment of the place it was first discovered? Not the kind of storyline you’d expect from a modern day manga, right?

Fell: Feral City by Warren Ellis and Ben Templesmith – Is about a cop who gets sent to the wrong side of town by his superiors as a kind of punishment. Can one man really do good in a place everyone else has given up on? Typically dark Ellis and I like that, so I liked this.

I Am Legend by Richard Matheson – Those of you who have only seen the movie will still be wondering why that is the title. In the book it’s very clear. I was surprised with how short this book was, but it’s the perfect size for the story it’s telling, and is so short there’s absolutely no excuse for you not to read it. It’s been made into a movie 3 times for a reason. It’s just a damn good story.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury – Is another classic that’s a classic for a reason. It’s also another short book. For those of you who don’t yet know what it’s about, it might suffice for you to know that 451 degrees Fahrenheit is the temperature at which book paper ignites.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum – It’s like the movie but with less music and more plot stuff.

Wikihistory by Desmond Warzel – Viewable here http://www.abyssandapex.com/200710-wikihistory.html is funny and knowing at the same time. Well worth a read. It’s not long.

Hulk – Great cast, and director, and let’s give them some credit, they tried to make it new and exciting and to go their own way with it. On saying that… didn’t really work did it? Oh well.

The Incredible Hulk – Now that’s more like it.

Medal of Honour: Airborne – Tried to play it, but couldn’t really get past the first level because I just wasn’t enjoying it. Shame, because I played the first Medal of Honour again recently and it was great.

Quarantine – The US remake of the Spanish film “Rec” is very good. People say the original is better, but I don’t see it. They’re essentially the same film in a different language. It’s funny in a few places, but that in no way takes away from the horror aspect of the film. If you don’t like shaky, hand-held camera work, don’t watch it. If that doesn’t bother you, give it a shot.

Apocalypto – I remember this film got a lot of flack when it came out for the violence, but it’s really nothing you haven’t seen before … except maybe the sacrifices, but if you’ve heard of that kind of thing you’ve imagined it anyway. I know historically it’s not all that, but try not to think about that and enjoy it for what it is; an action movie set during the time of the Mayan Empire. Taken as that, it’s a good movie. The whole Mayan language thing takes nothing away if you’re used to watching foreign movies, and if you are, it probably adds to the feel of the whole thing.

Hitman – An action movie.

Taken – An action movie. Like “Man on Fire” but with Liam Neeson.

Run, Fatboy, Run – Run of the mill RomCom.

1408 – Horror. Spooky. I liked it.

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald – Not what I was expecting. Interesting enough though.

Shanghai Dreams – Is an interesting little Chinese film. It centres around a family that has moved to the countryside because of a Chinese government initiative, but now they want to move back to Shanghai. That’s not really what the story is about. It’s about life in the little country village. The daughter in the family has a boyfriend that her dad disapproves of… and then very little happens until the very end of the movie, where suddenly everything is turned on its head, and then it ends. It was an unusual movie experience for me, but it was a good one.

28 Weeks Later – I was expecting this to be the rehash type of sequel that would offer little to the experience of the first film, but I actually enjoyed it.

Rush Hour 3 – Rush Hour, 3.

Wrong Turn 2 – Not as memorable as the first, but a decent enough watch if you like the hideously inbred hillbilly genre of horror movies.

Bioshock – Its reviews are off the charts, but I couldn’t get into it. I say that after pushing through to about half way through the game in the hopes of seeing what everyone else was seeing, but it just didn’t do it for me.

Mutant Chronicles – Ha ha ha, Mutant Chronicles. You have to know it’s a B-movie if not lower going in and then try to make up your own fun while watching it. If you don’t, I pity you.

Pan’s Labyrinth – This was a very good movie. It had lots of layers to think about, and that lasts past the ending where people still debate the outcome. The visuals are striking too. The story outside the fantasy is as good as the fantastic parts of the story themselves. It’s well worth a watch by everyone.

Wanted – So some of the skills are crazy, but the film looks nice, and I remember having a good time watching it.

Death Race – Action movie about cars… enter Statham. Not great.

Max Payne (movie) – Is another action movie. It lacks action throughout a lot of it, and it’s obviously not as immersive as the game. I seem to remember the storyline being better in the game too though. It’s kind of average as a movie. A few nice visuals, but that’s about it.

Transporter 3 - This is a better comedy than action movie. Especially when you think of the logic behind the plot… which you will be hard pushed to find any of.

Far Cry (game) – Far Cry as a game starts well with you crawling around an island dodging mercenaries and looking for someone… then the monsters come. The fun remains but it changes into a totally different game. It’s good though, and the transition is good enough when it’s compared to what you get in…

Far Cry (movie) – Uwe Boll; need I say more? Actually this was the first Boll movie I’d seen, and I had an idea what to expect going in to it, but I wanted to see for myself the work of the legend. The movie gets to the weird a lot quicker than the game, which is the wrong choice in my opinion. It also starts earlier than the game, which I suppose makes sense from a bog standard movie point of view. It would be risky starting it where the game starts, but I think risky could have done this film some good. There’s poor dialogue, the actors don’t stand a chance, so it’s tough to rate them. Otherwise… Uwe Boll, the legend is true.

Resident Evil 5 (demo) – I only played the demo of this, not the game… and based on the strength of that demo I realised the control system is way too nippy for me to ever play the full game.

Killzone 2 (demo) – Tried this and thought I’d like to play it. But the controls were a problem so I decided I didn’t want to pay full price for it. Maybe I’ll try it again sometime, because it looked interesting enough.

Watchmen (movie) – A good adaptation of the book. Probably as good as you can get without freaking most people out by sticking to the letter of the original ending.

Superbad – I thought it was very funny.

Quantum of Solace – It’s a shame I couldn’t really see the chase scene for all the shaking. The plot is a little… low on the scale of world threats for a Bond movie, but I guess that’s part of the new more realistic direction they’re taking the franchise. Speaking of realistic, how about that hotel at the end huh? Great designers.

Resident Evil: Extinction – Was good until the crazy mystical powers manifested.

The Day the Earth Stood Still – Not awful, not great.

Stranger Than Fiction – I thought this was an excellent movie. Will Ferrell usually goes over the top goofy in his movies, but not in this one. Think of it as his “The Truman Show.”

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – A prequel. If you’ve seen the ones set in modern times, this isn’t one of those ones. It’s set in the past, but it’s in the same vein as the others.

Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut – This is a strange story, about World War II, an alien race called Tralfamadorians and time travelling brains. It’s probably better than I’ve made it sound.

Doomsday – So Scotland is plagued by a deadly virus and then the English, taking their cue from the Romans, build a big wall to keep us out. But, the virus eventually makes its way to England, and then they have to break back into Scotland to find a cure, because they know some people are still alive up here. Let the action commence. I liked this more than I thought I would.

Drag Me to Hell – Speaking of movies that were better than I thought they would be. Now this is a Sam Raimi movie, so I thought it would be fun and quite good, but I was expecting the usual paranormal shenanigans without substance, but no, in this one you get the bang from the beginning, and there’s no is it or isn’t it real… it’s real. Good movie.

Wolverine – If you’ve seen the X-Men films you’ll know what to expect here. It’s a good ride though.

The Dark Knight – Yes, I’m one of the people that thought this film was excellent. And that’s because this film is excellent. Yes, you get to the point where you think the movie is over, but it isn’t. Well, I’m one of the people that actually liked that development… because the movie was excellent, and I wanted more.

Wall•E – Speaking of excellent films, how did this not win the Best Picture Oscar? And not the animated one, the real one. It’s just a wonderful, uplifting, beautiful movie… and it’s a cartoon, about robots.

Seventeen Years – A Chinese film about a girl sentenced to seventeen years in jail for killing her step-sister. When she gets out for the holidays she goes home to see her parents, accompanied by one of the prison guards. It’s a surprisingly moving film. It’s very good.

The Prestige – Another great film from Christopher Nolan. Duelling magicians trying to steal each other’s secrets… a simple enough premise, but a wonderfully rich and full film.

Luxury Car – A Chinese film set in Wuhan, where a father travels to try to find his missing son, with the help of his daughter. The main thing I want to say about this film is that this film gave me a taste of my first recognisable Chinese accent. This is definitely not the best film to try to learn Chinese from. As a film it’s okay.

Kung Fu Hustle – Crazy, and brilliant. I loved it.

Oh, look, the middle part is the worst. Who would have guessed? But at least it’s finally here, right? Right?

Don’t expect to wait this long again. I have no life, and a desire to relearn how to type.

Epic - Part 1

2008-10-24T18:06:34Z

Last night I sat with a coffee and a blank page, for what seemed like hours. The world transitioned through time and I found myself with cold coffee and a blank page. Things shifted around again and I sat with steaming hot coffee, two Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches (big enough to eat me) and the life sucking hole that is the blank page.

Today I'm back on top of things. My coffee is 2/3 drunk and this page has at least one paragraph on it. I've been reading some self-improvement blogs for a while because as we all know I waste more of my time than I use, and I just wanted to see if there were any tricks I was missing. Turns out it's all pretty basic, and then the posts become reruns of things said before, with a different accompanying anecdote, because like I say, it's all pretty basic. I think I'll try and sum up some of the key points for you all. They like numbered lists, but I think I'll go with bullet points, to be different.

It's okay to say "no."
Pick goals.
Every day, do something to move towards your goal.
Focus on one thing at a time.
Take notes.
Cultivate habits.
Exercise.
Organise.
Simplify.
Actionless thoughts can be more harmful than thoughtless actions. (AKA, just do it.)

I'm sure there are more points than that, but these will do.

Hmm, maybe I should explain some of those. People won't hate you if you don't agree to stuff. If you're not in a position to do something, don't. It's like if someone is struggling to climb a cliff you can't pull them up if you're still climbing the cliff yourself... unless you reach a nice ledge where you can take a breather from your own climb. Just know that sometimes when you try to help people when you're not in a safe position to you can end up falling back down the cliff yourself. Put yourself first, it's not socially unacceptable, it makes sense to be in the best position you can put yourself in, and not just for your own sake.

If you don't know what you want or what you're after, you won't know how to get there. Pick goals, things you want to achieve or do, and not just a daily to do list, but long term goals. Every day do something, however small, to move you towards that goal.

Focus on one thing at a time doesn't mean restrict your entire life to one pursuit, one goal, one action. It simply means don't multitask. You might think by trying to do more than one thing at a time you're saving time, which is the most valuable resource you have, but it generally doesn't. When you try to do more than one thing at a time you don't do as well with either of those things. That's not just what I say, it has been proven scientifically, and I would look up the research for you but I can't be bothered. So, nah! I just mean when you're doing something do it, and only it, and you'll get it done faster, and better. Now I'm not saying don't listen to books while you drive or work, things that are mostly automatic, because I do that. What I'm saying is don't be surprised if you have to rewind sometimes, or miss bits. So really what I'm saying is don't multitask when you're doing important things that need to be done right.

Stress is caused by worrying. Some of that worrying is needless. If you have to constantly remind yourself of something so that you don't forget it you're worrying about it. Take notes, so you don't forget. Then the only thing you have to worry about is not losing your notepad. When you're in a position to do something, check your notepad and see what needs to be done.

Habits are things you do every day, like brushing your teeth in the morning. If you make yourself do something the same all the time it becomes a habit, and you do it automatically. So if there's some small thing you always mean to do but don't get around to... like brushing your teeth in the morning... force yourself to do it every day for a month, and eventually you'll realise you're not forcing yourself, but just doing it. It will have become a habit. (Personal interjection. Don't make everything in your life a habit, because that would suck.)

Eating healthily and exercising are not only good for your body, but good for your mind.. which it turns out is a part of your body. It makes you feel better, makes you feel like you have more energy and is just a jolly good thing.

This is another stress reliever. Once things are organised they're all easier to deal with. If you do it right you only have to organise once, then you keep things organised, which is easier than organising. Kind of like how maintenance is easier than fixing something that's broken. Or how it's easier to keep fit than it is to get fit. It also reduces time wasted. If you know where things are you can find them quicker. And clutter is stress inducing, just because it is.

Get rid of stuff you don't need, or want. Let's say you have watched the same TV show for 7 seasons, but it stopped being really good after 5, or it just kills time. Stop watching. You don't owe it anything. Reclaim your time and use it for something more fun. Find a new show maybe. Okay, that wouldn't exactly simplify things. But if you can't find a worthy replacement it would. Look at all the stuff you do and work out what you really enjoy, and what you really need. Get rid of the stuff that isn't necessary or worthwhile that you just keep doing because you've always done it. It might just free up your time to do better stuff.

In the time it takes you to think of things you could have done, you could have done some of them. If you do something wrong the chances are you can fix it. Like, if you're writing... shut up, I know... it's quicker to write a shit page and then edit it into a good one than to sit there for years not writing everything trying to come up with the perfect page before you even begin because you don't want to get it wrong. Give it a go. When you have things to do and you don't know where to start, pick one, start, do it, because by the time you come up with the perfect plan you could have done one thing on your list already. If there was a plan, or a specific order that these things should be done in, it would be obvious where to start and you'd start there, so if there's no obvious place, toss a coin a couple of times, pick one, and start.

So that's what they've been trying to teach me. I'm not sure if I've listened or not. Probably not. I'm quite stubborn at times. I still haven't worked out if I believe most of what they're selling.

I went to see some snooker a couple of weeks ago. Going in we walked past seven time world champion Stephen Hendry, and my friend managed to walk right through the middle of his entourage without noticing him. He was involved in one of the two matches we got to watch... at the same time. He was playing David Gilbert. The other match had Neil Robertson playing six time world champion Steve Davis. That's right, 13 years of combined world champion on show.

The matches were good, though the Hendry match was a lot quicker than the Davis match. The seats were extremely uncomfortable which makes that an important point. Both matches went to the wire and were won in their deciding frames, when it was down to the colours only. Hendry and Davis won. During the journey we saw someone pot two reds at once in the same match... twice. We saw a black ball game. We saw a re-rack. We saw a 147 attempt that was close to coming off. And I'm sure there was something else that I've forgotten. It was good, and interesting. It also gives you a nice glimpse into the nicer side of humanity. You could be pretty sure that no one you saw there had gone out the night before, got out their face on smack or booze and then stabbed someone in the street because they looked at his "burd." Not something you can say when you go see football I feel. Maybe I'm wrong.

Reviews.

Final Fantasy XII : Good.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows- By J.K. Rowling : Good.

Assassin's Creed : Fun, Good.

Sword of Xanten : Surprisingly good.

Curse of the Golden Flower : I didn't like it as much as "Hero" of "House of Flying Daggers" but it was still good, and unpredictable.

Call of Duty 4 : Excellent.

Heavenly Sword : Fun and fast paced. You can play through the whole thing in a few hours which is either a good thing because it's like a playable movie, or bad if you're worried about gaming hours equaling money's worth. It's a beautiful looking game though, and the archery levels are tons of fun.

The Bourne Trilogy : Fun enough to read but don't expext them to be anything like the movies because they're not. They're so different from each other, except in the initial concept that they're essentially two different things. They're practically different styles of stories too, except that they're both adventures. If you're looking for adventure stories to read but have ruled these out because you've seen the movies, rule them back in.

Virtua Tennis 3 : Tennis on the computer.

Iron Man : Excellent.

The Eye : The US remake has less Angelica Lee, but more Jessica Alba. From then it's pretty much the same, except the upgrade in effects budget means you see things more... which can be detrimental to the scare factor.

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune : Excellent -- like a Tomb Raider, Indiana Jones cross.

Zoom : Fun while you're watching it... though quite unmemorable in the end.

War : Meh.

The Andromeda Strain : The new version is a made for TV thing. It's... a new version of The Andromeda Strain.

Hancock : Funny at times, and actiony at times and worth a look.

Hellboy 2 : Didn't have as much going for it as the first one. Visually appealing.

The Incredibles : Really exciting, and funny, and fun. I'm ashamed it took me so long to watch it.

More later.

Someone could make a fortune if they were able to register .xom domains.

I have a huge file filled with things I was meant to blog about. See how good I am at this? Of course you do. Anyway the first thing on there is "The Death of 'Unspeakable Thing'" which I don't actually think is dead any more.

I've decided to post this now because I can. It might seem to you weird that a post called "Epic" is actually no longer than some other posts I've done, but I've decided Epic things come in trilogies. Take that as you will.

What I want to say.

2008-09-20T14:12:22Z

It seems I’ve stopped saying what I want to say here. Bad Me! I think everyone who’s tried to have any kind of conversation with me recently has been dragged kicking and screaming into a conversation of my making about girls… not in general, particular ones. I was out drinking last night with Davron and I realised I only really seem to have 3 topics of conversation these days: girls, languages and TV. Luckily for him he has more, so he wasn’t bored out of his mind within the first half an hour.

So we got to talking again about my new favourite subject; the thing that has been on my mind for almost a month now and I eventually got to thinking about this place. I used to write up here about girls I’d meet and the idiot things I’d say, but I didn’t this time. The rational part of me doesn’t believe in jinxes or anything of that sort but I guess there’s a fairly strong irrational side in me too, that exerts its will disguised as apathy. So maybe I didn’t write about such things in case that ruined everything, not that there was really anything to ruin in the first place, but you get the idea.

On saying that though, I’d already told anyone who came within earshot (or typeshot) of me all about it, so how does that make sense? (Answer: It doesn’t.)

That’s all besides the point… but the point is really close to it, so if we just get off at the next intersection and take a left we’ll be there. The thing I got to thinking about, and I know this is all kinds of stupid but like I mentioned that seems to be what this place is for, was what if eventually things go well. I don’t necessarily mean now, but in general. What if I meet a girl and she likes me, and we get together and she decides to read this thing, and she gets to the parts where I rave about girls I’ve just met because I’m too stupid to let reality set in before I type my excitement up here for the world to keep a copy of forever? Then what if she’s not there?

On the other hand what if I type it all up and she sees it and she likes that I was so excited, but then gets to the archives and finds out that oh… he always gets that excited, maybe I’m not so special after all. What if she doesn’t want entire conversations recited to people because I get excited and can’t keep my trap shut? What if I meet someone I like and I write stuff up here and then we become friends and then she sees this and realised I’m hoping for more and that kills it all? What if, what if, what if?

I don’t need guidance on this point. It’s just a thought that I never really considered when making this thing because I pretty much thought I would be the only one interested enough in what I had to say to ever really read it. The answer actually is that I’ll talk about the ones I want to when the urge takes me. If there are reasons I want to keep stuff to myself I will. After all, this is not about what I want people to hear. It’s about what I want to say.

Unrelated – I made a blogger blog so I could comment on blogger blogs. I haven’t done anything with it other than link here, and one night I wrote a post so there was something on it. I read it again this morning, and I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever written. I don’t know if that says more about what quality of writing I’m capable of (good or bad) or the quality of my judgement of the things I read. But anyway, http://riversofrust.blogspot.com/

DrHorrible

2008-07-19T21:49:35Z

http://drhorrible.com

If you haven't seen it. Then go now. From what I hear it'll be gone by midnight on Sunday.

There'll be more chances to see it later when you can buy the DVD, but you should also see it now.

Tonight

2008-03-23T05:12:57Z

It's hard for me to type because I've been drinking... but...

I was out tonight on a a work's night out (Someone is leaving and moving to Cyprus) and I saw things I did not want to see... EVER.

Apart from that I bumped into my friend Paul, and his brother Smash! who I haven't seen in a long time. To cut a long and indulgent story short Smash now has a beautiful girlfriend, and well done him, and she has a little sister, and at one point of the evening I was around Paul's part of the night and there was a boy hanging around Smash's girlfriend's sister and she kept pushing him away like she didn't want him there, so at one point she was waving goodbye to him from inches away to tell him to go away and he wouldn't so I, being chivalrous (or so I thought), stepped forward and pushed him out the way and waved goodbye too, and then she came and backed me off, and so I backed off and then she continued what she was doing. And then everyone I mentioned this weirdo to was all right with it. Eventually, at the end of the night, I was outside and I said to Paul, watch out for that guy there's something wrong with him ... and before I could finish he said "I know." So I went to Smash and started saying that guy has been following her all night and she, even now, is pushing him away but... and he said, "I know" and I thought if everyone knows why isn't anyone.... and before I could finish the thought Smash's girlfriend came over and said, "it's okay, she wants to go out with him but..." and at that instant I shut off from the whole thing and realised I don't understand young people. I said goodbye to Paul and walked home.

Blog

2008-03-10T00:40:51Z

Today I have decided that I should have blogged a while ago. Oops. Now, it's late and I don't feel like saying much, but I feel like I have a duty to myself to say something, so I'll say a lot of very short things.

A very well written article on Multi-tasking, which is very worth the read.

Film reviews,

Ils (AKA "Them") - Children are our future... nasty, brutish and short. Based on a true story, and all kinds of frightening.

Warrior King (AKA "Tom Yum Goong", "The Protector", "Honour of the Dragon" ) - Tony Jaa is like a cross between Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan and in this movie he does far more Jackie Chan than he did in "Ong Bak". At the start I thought, who'd want to steal an elephant? But it was actually satisfactorily explained in the story, much to my surprise. What was also satisfying was the action. What wasn't was the last fight scene where they found a new crunch sound effect and decided to use it for every single move, making a parody of itself in the process. Also, bones are heavier than that. Also, do wrestlers make the best henchmen? How could you throw that, it must have weighed a good half a ton? I think I can still hear that crunching sound effect when I close my eyes. I saw the film months ago.

Not film review,

Frozen Grand Central, in case you haven't seen it.

Jumper

2008-02-27T06:54:27Z

A review of Jumper

Jumper stars Rachel Bilson as Millie, a normal girl from Ann Arbor, Michigan, who has always dreamed of travelling the world. Her ordinary life changes one day when a friend of hers falls through the ice of a frozen river and is swept away. However, that night she finds a trinket left by the boy on her swing. Fast forward to a few years into adult life and Millie is working in the local bar when who should re-appear but the boy most of the town thinks drowned several years earlier. He offers to take Millie to Rome, and having dreamed of travel for so long she agrees to go, but she's a believer in the thought that if something appears too good to be true it probably is. Before long Millie is thrust into a world of danger, deception and lies that may be impossible to escape.

The action is good. The effects are brilliant at times. The most interesting character is once again not the lead however, and that's Jamie Bell who plays a character with a real attitude, a fiery spirit and a special power. It's a wonderful performance and almost, but not quite, enough to make you want to check out that film he did that time about ballet. Whereas with most action films you might remember a single image here and there from an enjoyable experience with this film you'll remember a lot of the shots and even some sequences long after the film is over. Jumper is worth watching for the idea and the effects, and if you like it the ending seems set up for a sequel. There are also special guest appearances by Darth Vader and Mace Windu.

I like being right.

2008-02-25T17:44:57Z

About ten years ago I watched a little French film you may have heard of called "Taxi" which was written by Luc Besson. His name attached was a good reason to watch a film at that time since it was not long after "Leon" and right after the release of "The Fifth Element." So I watched Taxi and enjoyed it a lot. It was fast paced, thrilling, and had a ridiculous car... which was nice. But watching that film I saw the girl that played the girlfriend of the hero and she was simply effortless in her portrayal, even for such a small role in such a small budget action movie. I resigned myself to remembering her name because, I thought, one day that girl would be a star. To my amazement, I didn't see her in anything other than the second Taxi movie after that. So I thought that maybe I was wrong... until about a week ago when I heard the nominations for the Best Actress category at this year's Oscars... and then last night, when she won. Well done Marion Cotillard, if for nothing else than making me right.

I'll now add her to my list of before they were really famous Oscar predictions with Adrien Brody who I saw in a little film with E.R.'s Maura Tierney before he got his Oscar for "The Pianist." Yes, I know these were neither of these actor's first films, but they were the first I saw them in, and that's all I had to work with. You know what else, Ellen Page has been on my list since she was on "Regenesis." Maybe I missed my chance to be right about her last night. Don't you hate it when your own brilliance gets in the way of you being right about everything instead of just some things.

I was going to live blog the Oscar's last night from my PSP but then I remembered I was actually lying in front of them trying to fall asleep... so I didn't... do either. I'm surprisingly awake today which is odd because I've been feeling sleepy for the last month during the day even though I've been going to bed and waking up early. Maybe I'm just made for the odd 24 hour day.

Movies and Stuff

2008-01-27T18:16:50Z

Oops. I knew I'd been putting this off, but it's been 15 days since my last entry. That's shocking.

Stuff...

The Rugby world cup was on last year, and it was good. Rugby is a great sport to watch and really shows the difference between the softness of football players who roll on the ground when the air brushes past their ankle and rugby players who beat the air into submission with their ankles. But the best part of the cup for me was in a game between .... it was so long ago I can't remember... I think the ref was Australian though, but anyway, listen to this and see how these words would diverge in other sports. The ref called these two guys over and said, "I got word from my assistant and some punching has been spotted between you two, that's not allowed, so don't let it happen again. Okay? Alright, on you go." Magic.

Atom :- This was a three episode show on BBC4 about the atom. It very simply explained the process the great humans of the past went through to get to our current level of knowledge about the sub-atomic world. It was so watchable and understandable I think even my mum kept up with it all. So if you want to know the broad strokes, and even some of the finer strokes about atoms, then watch this show.

Tribe :- was a show about tribes. Bruce Parry went to stay with some of the world's tribes, for about a month each, and gave you a glimpse into the lives of people you would otherwise never know about. We're not talking just African or South American tribes either, he even goes to live with Reindeer herders in Siberia. Anyway, it's a great show, and there's a book too if you want it. I'm sad it's finished actually.

Standoff :- was one of the shows from last year I didn't watch right away, but it got good words said about it so I eventually watched it... and it was great. The characters were lively, the dialogue snappy, and that's the kind of thing that makes a procedural watchable every week. It also helps that the theme tune was massively catchy, and of course, in the current TV climate, that it actually had a theme tune. Naturally, because I liked the show and watched it every week on my TV when it actually aired, it has been cancelled already. Shame.

Movies...

The Bourne Ultimatum :- What a wonderful way to end a wonderful trilogy. Full of action, full of intrigue, full of scary American government workers shooting at ghosts in the dark. The film also has one of the best fight scenes and car chases ever put on film. I don't even know why I'd try to review this, because if you've seen the first two you'll be watching this anyway, and then you'll know for yourself. Great movie, and it ends the movie making all three one coherent piece, but the way the start is nested in the end of the second marks a separation between the three films, like they should be watched as independent entities and not as one long film filmed in three parts. I'll tell you about the books later.

Stardust :- is a fantasy film, but that doesn't mean orcs and elves or even pesky hobbitses. Instead Fantasy in this sense is the kind you get in fairytales where everything is wondrous and just off to one side of the real world. A boy promises to catch a retrieve a falling star and bring it back to the girl that he has a crush on. So he runs off to do that, but finds himself in a fantastic world on the other side of an old wall where he encounters princes, and witches, and the star herself. It's a delightful movie, and if you like fairytales, or other fantasy movies like The Princess Bride, you'll like this... though it might change your perception of Robert DeNiro forever.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 :- The third in this series, just as adventurous and fun as the rest.

Spider-Man 3 :- Some people don't like this film because it's too long. I didn't notice that. I didn't really notice anything that took it out of the same mould as the first two. Are there too many bad guys in this film? Maybe... but the worst thing in this is the changing of what happened to Uncle Ben. It's just unnecessary. It's trying too hard to add emotion to the fight with the Sandman, when there's already enough emotion flying about with the Symbiote's manipulations of Peter's actions towards Mary-Jane, and with the stuff with Harry, and even with Eddie trying to take his job. Overkill. It's still an enjoyable movie in the action sense though, and the effects are incredible when it comes to the Sandman.

I Am Legend :- I can't help but compare this to the old Charlton Heston version in my mind, which was spookier, until he started talking with the bad guys. In this version the bad guys can't speak, which gets rid of some of that problem. It's strange watching a guy chase deer through the city in a car, with a rifle, when he could easily stop the car, get out and shoot a deer before they got away. Maybe he just wasn't hungry enough. Anyway, disease, monsters, devil dogs, good dogs who die because they're saving their owner who won't get up and run in time even though he does so moments later, last minute saves, clever zombie traps... there are lots of things in this movie... including some kind of teleporter which takes the main character from his bathtub, where he falls asleep, to his bed, in the middle of the night. It's okay. It's not great, but it's far from bad. So a pretty run of the mill sci-fi actioner, which looks nice. I really need to read the book.

AVPR : Aliens vs Predator - Requiem :- I have no idea why the predator decided to take on the infestation alone, but this time a little town in the US is infested with Aliens. I think you can imagine from then on what this movie is about, but you may not be prepared for how out in the open it all gets. You kind of expect the predator to stay hidden which he doesn't, and the aliens usually don't just run around everywhere killing everything in their movies, but here they do. I'd say it's a good solid two and a half out of five movie, but then I was reminded of a scene next to a swimming pool and subsequent cool death, so I think that bumps it up to three stars. Lots of action, lots of danger, and no idea who, if anyone, gets out alive. That's all you're looking for in a movie like this... and you get it.

The Covenant :- Why do people think that lifting someone on wires makes it look like they're flying? It doesn't, it makes it look like they're on wires. There's a bit of an interesting take on magic here, except for the ridiculous willing people your power concept. Some great effects are in evidence too, but in the end a story that starts well with a group of friends, a new girl, a relationship on the rocks, and some idiot bullies, turns into a one on one battle for ... a couple of years worth of power... which takes some of the characters away from the main focus of the movie, leaving them out in the cold as people who appeared in the movie at one point but are now in no danger, and it also leaves you having to identify with the leader of their group, or you have nothing invested in the end. At least if you take the whole gang into the danger area if there's one you identify with more you can experience them being in danger even if you don't feel for the rest. One good thing about it though is that the bad guy never quite seemed ... right... before he's revealed as the villain. That's good because mostly you get films with a completely normal and rational looking character who turns into some cackling psycho once the reveal is made... which just doesn't fit in with any reality I've ever known. So good points and bad points, but no better than average, and full of things they could and should have done.

Next time: whatever I write next time.

More reviews

2008-01-12T15:14:21Z

Hidden : - Is a French film that starts really slowly, but intriguingly. A tape is left at a couple's door which contains a recording of their house throughout the night. Is it a threat? Is it a warning? Naturally it turns out there are some skeletons in some closets so the man of the house sets out to track down who he thinks is harassing his wife and himself, as more tapes come in, leading him on. Some history is shown, some accusations are made, there's a completely shocking, out of the blue and realistic death... and then there's an ending with me still wondering what the hell was going on with the tapes. So who knows.

Please Vote For Me : - is a fucking marvellous little Chinese documentary about some kids learning about elections by running for class monitor. They're all sympathetic, what with them only being 8 years old, but the scheming, manipulating, bullying, bribery and lying that goes on is just incredible, it's like a real life presidential election in mini-form. The debates are great... even though the parents coach them a lot. But one little fellow Cheng Cheng is wonderful at the debates leaving his rivals speechless more than once. I think you should watch it immediately, it's just an absolutely fabulous piece of film. I remember thinking whilst I was watching it, "this is the best piece of TV ever." Take from that what you will.

New Police Story : - Jackie Chan is back with another police story movie. This one starts a LOT darker than the others though. It feels like a completely different style of movie, except there's Jackie Chan fighting away in the middle of it. Eventually the darkness lifts though, with the introduction of a new "partner" for Jackie. They make a great duo, and the film is a decent and fun watch after you get over the heaviness of the beginning. It's not as good as the old Police Stories though.

How Is Your Fish Today? : - is a hard to describe film about a writer trying to write a film about a man fleeing the south of China and heading North to the village of Mohe, which seems to have semi-mystical properties ascribed to it. Things like, it's light 24 hours a day, and the Aurora Borealis is constantly streaking over the sky. Actually the origin of the film is more complicated than that, but that's what it ends up as. The writer, fed up with just writing, eventually undertakes the journey north, and gives us his ideas about the world and personal philosophy on the way. The film is a journey that takes you into the journey along with the writer and his protagonist, and although the story gets lost when we finally arrive at the dream shatteringly normal northern town of Mohe, it's the journey that's wonderful written, shot and captivating. Well worth a look. Just remember the journey when you get to the less than startling end.

Seven Swords : - A Chinese martial arts film about seven swords and the people that wield them trying to save a town from a marauding army commanded by a maniac. It's not in the same league as Zhang Yimou's films. It's more in the style of the older, larger than life, Hong Kong action movies we've all been watching all our lives. Taken as that, it's quite good.

The Tank Man : - Show people in the west the famous picture of the Tank Man and they know it right away. Show people from Beijing University, from the city and group of people who should know more than anyone what it is, and they have no idea. They think it's maybe a photoshopped picture or from a film or something. But we know it's a real picture of a simple unbelievable act of courage/stupidity at a time when the tanks are real, and the ruthlessness of the people ordering the soldiers in those tanks is unquestioned. This film looks for the Tank Man, who of course can't be found, but while it does it gives us the story of those days, along with first person accounts and video, carefully hidden and smuggled out of the area after the happenings were all over. Watch it, and marvel, honestly marvel at the Tank Man, one of the most ridiculously ballsy/insane human beings there has ever been, and say to yourself "What the fuck is he doing? Is he climbing on it? Is he banging on it? Go'on yoursel son!"

Infernal Affairs 3 : - The final film in the Infernal Affairs trilogy. It's pretty much a direct continuation from the first film, but with lots of flashbacks so we can have Tony Leung's character back. If you've seen the first two, you'll know exactly what you're getting here. There are no real surprises in this one, and certainly nothing that makes it stand out from the others.

Ou Dede and His Daughters : - In a remote village in the mountains of Southern China lives Ou Dede. He's the last bard of his village and knows how to play the Dabia, and all the songs past down to him from his father, who learned from his father and so on... for a long long time. But because of the one Child policy and his already existing 3 daughters, Ou Dede doesn't have a son to hand down the knowledge to. So he can either teach someone else's son, or he can hand down the knowledge to one of his daughters. Of course it'd help if he picked the right one. Ou Dede seems pretty clueless about his family, village politics, life, and everything that isn't playing the Dabia. He's bullied by the neighbours, his orders ignored by his family, and the only person he seems to be able to talk to is his father... who is dead. Heart-wrenching by the end, this is a very simple story of one man who just can't get to grips with the way the world is changing around him. Watch if that sounds interesting... but when the bullies grab that goat, if you're squeamish look away for a couple of minutes.

To come later in the week - big budget movies, documentaries, PS3.

Stuff I've Been Meaning to Comment On.

2008-01-07T05:12:04Z

The Simpsons Movie : - it's The Simpsons, but a movie.

Transformers : - Was it Jenn I was with when we saw "I, Robot" and I said, "It's about time he was in a movie," about Shia LaBeouf? Well this is what I was talking about. The kid's a natural. This is simply an exciting action movie, which is exactly what you should expect going in. Also, as a bonus, likeable characters and comedy.

Ultraviolet : - Ha ha haha ahaha

Snakes on a Plane : - There are SNAKES, on a PLANE!

Rat Race : - Cannonball Run style goofball comedy. It's funny.

Old School : - Funny too.

Talladega Nights : - Funny again.

Mr & Mrs Smith : - Action movie. Really funny in parts. I say that because I remember laughing when they were arguing about stuff whilst escaping on the freeway in their car. That might have been the only moment, but I doubt it. The action is good. The ending is absurd.

Fun with Dick and Jane : - I liked this, and laughed a lot, despite the bad press it seemed to get. It's very simple in premise, and there's nothing wrong with that. I especially liked the TV news about what happened to the other employees.

St Trinian's : - Maybe I need to be younger, but I didn't like it as much as the old ones. Still it's not bad. If you've seen a St Trinian's movie before you'll know what to expect going in.

The Tuxedo : - I thought this was a wonderful movie. It gets a bad rap for no apparent reason. Yes the bad guy's plot is a little ridiculous, but it's an over the top James Bond style villain, his plan is supposed to be like that. Then you watch the good guys try to take it down. Jackie Chan is excellent at physical comedy as you should all know by now, and he doesn't disappoint. What also doesn't disappoint is Jennifer Love Hewitt as the fast thinking, quipping partner sent to help take down the bad guy. She is especially good at those throwaway lines and mood changes to hide her deceptions in the face of the suspicious bad guys. So good at it in fact it makes me wonder if she's that quick in real life, or just a good actress. You can't fault this film for the performances, or the comedy, or the outlandish tuxedo and bad guy plan because those are the premises you buy into when you sit down to watch a movie about a superspy's tuxedo that does the hard stuff for him. So why do so many people dislike this movie? No idea, it's a brilliant old fashioned comedy, action, family movie.

The Return : - Whoever decided to bill this as a horror movie was on something. It's not. It's a thriller... with tinges of the supernatural that make it a supernatural thriller... but nothing like The Ring, or The Grudge, or Dark Water. It's a different style of movie altogether. It's slow. It starts slow, and it stays slow. There's obviously something of a mystery about some things, "Why won't she go back to Texas?" but the questions aren't riveting. So you kind of have to keep yourself watching through the start if you want to watch it. I used the thought that SMG is smarter than me and therefore wouldn't make a complete stinker of a movie for no reason. Eventually we get to where it was headed, and we realise it's a simple story made complicated and obtuse by the way it was told in the beginning. Some thoughts:

1 - SMG's character Joanna has visions, but they don't cut into and out of them like they do in other films. They're seamless... so sometimes it's tough to tell what's a vision and what isn't.

2 - The visions are seamless, so we experience them like Joanna does. She has no idea what's real and isn't at the time they're happening too, which is nicely inclusive of the piece.

3 - However, because I never read up on the film before seeing it since it just came on my TV, I had no idea they were visions she was having until I'd already been confused at what was going on for a while. You'll eventually work it out though.

From then on it's a matter of, oh, how is she having visions, what's wrong with her. What's it all about... and then it's just a bit of a murder mystery. If you go in thinking of it as a very simple, indie, mystery movie, you'll get more out of it by far than if you go in thinking it's a big budget scarefest, because that's not what this movie is. The performances are all around excellent.

To come later in the week - foreign movies, big budget movies, documentaries.

Short

2007-08-18T07:01:44Z

I was going to write more today, but I didn't. So this is short.

This is funny to read.

I'm not buying one of these.

These crows are awesome. (read the story as well as watch the video Rob, I know what you're like when I link to BBC pages.)

This makes me laugh, though it probably shouldn't.

And I envy you folks in Edmonton. Yesterday, at the CN Canadian Women's Open, favourite golfer Shi Hyun Ahn got a hole in one, and she's tied for the lead at 8 under.

That is all for now.

There's just no easy title for this one.

2007-08-08T11:31:27Z

Jeremy Slater of "How to Write Screenplays. Badly." fame has a new blog, and it turns out he's funny when he's talking about things that aren't screenplays too. You should go here to read this entry if nothing else.

I've been seeing a lot of backwards thinking recently. Well, it's not the thinking so much as what people think that some things are for. Here are the three major things that people get backwards: police, dictionaries and copyright. People seem to confuse the way these things do what they do with what they were created to do. The police aren't there to catch criminals and take them in for punishment. They're there to help society function by ensuring it runs smoothly. Part of the way they achieve this is by catching criminals who break society's laws and take them to court so that a punishment can be used in the hopes that it deters them from committing future crimes. Dictionaries aren't there to give you a restrictive set of words of a language that you can use and any not in it shouldn't be. Dictionaries are there to help people communicate by noting which words are used in a language and how they are used. This allows people to find that information so that they can understand the ways those words are used when they need to. A dictionary does not define which words are part of a language, it instead it is defined by the words that are in a language. People think that copyright exists to protect artists and make sure they can earn money from their creations, it doesn't. Copyright exists for the good of the public. A limited monopoly on how an artist's work can be copied is granted to that artist so they can make money, but that is only so that artists have an incentive to create more works, which the public as consumers, consume. If copyright is too long the public gain no benefit from the creation which is completely against the reason copyrights were created. Before copyright, artists had patrons who paid for their works and they didn't do too badly out of that after all. If the term of copyright is too short then artists have less of an incentive to create new works and the public suffers again.

I bring that kind of thing up in a very brief way because I recently read an article that says scientists have finally decided to agree with how I've always thought about time. Time is not some ethereal thing ticking away constantly in a forward direction, it's just a useful tool for humanity created by the movement of things. Time does not really exist. Here's a nice paragraph from the article talking about it and what clocks are, click on it to go to the article.

“I recently went to the National Institute of Standards and Technology in Boulder,” says Lloyd. (NIST is the government lab that houses the atomic clock that standardizes time for the nation.) “I said something like, ‘Your clocks measure time very accurately.’ They told me, ‘Our clocks do not measure time.’ I thought, Wow, that’s very humble of these guys. But they said, ‘No, time is defined to be what our clocks measure.’ Which is true. They define the time standards for the globe: Time is defined by the number of clicks of their clocks.”

I tried out the MSPY 2003 Chinese IME from Microsft and it was a lot worse than the previous version. The ability to use the IME pad was gone, as was the choice of the traditional character set. I got rid of it. Then I thought to myself that they must have updated it by now so I looked, and there wasn't a nice easy download from Microsoft for something that should really be an essential part of the operating system, after all it's the thing they use in China to input characters when they're using the Windows operating system. After a while I discovered that the IMEs had been updated for Vista so I looked around some more and discovered there was a new IME that came with Office 2007. Nice... hide an essential operating system component away in another couple of hundred pounds worth of software.

After that I got thinking about Office 2007 and how I should maybe get it, then I looked at the price and after I'd finished stitching up my splitting sides I found the home and student version. £100 or thereabouts isn't all that bad, so I thought I might buy it... but then I discovered Outlook didn't come with that version and that would set me back a further £80. Despite the many versions of Office that exist, there aren't any that give me the components I want at the price I'd be willing to pay. It's amazing how companies can always find that little loophole that stops me buying their stuff.

Could this be the greatest computer game ever devised? Maybe... maybe. Especially if you have a graphics tablet with a pen. I'd love to see it on the Wii.

Tomorrow is clearly an undisclosed time in the future.

2007-08-02T20:48:09Z

Reviews.

Idiocracy - Funny, and worth watching at least once for the frighteningly possible concept. I don't think I'll ever watch it again though as it's one of those watch once kind of movies.

The Eye - from the people that brought you "Re-Cycle" but before they brought you it. Not as spooky as I was hoping for, but watchable, even if you can see the problem and the end coming a mile away because you've seen other films or TV shows about people who see dead people.

Paul Merton in China - Was a fun little show about Paul Merton's travels in China. He's an effortlessly engaging and watchable presenter, and instead of trying to make fun of the strange people he meets, like some presenters would do, he joins in with them, which makes all the goofy and fun things that happen watchable and I never had to do the embarrassed cringe I have to do when people are acting like idiots, making fools of themselves or being rude to the people they're interviewing. I know some people love that kind of thing where the interviewer is subtly mocking the person they're talking to like they're in on a secret joke with the viewer but I don't like it, it's generally just disingenuous and mean. Merton isn't like that, he likes the people he's talking to. He likes that they're odd and add colour to the world. I hope he does more travelling and more shows.

The fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - The Fast and the Furious part 3.

Crank - ha ha ha ha ha ha ahhhhhh haha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha .

Die Hard 4.0 - John McClane kicks ass, because he's "That Guy" and no one else is going to fix the problem. This movie is bigger in scale and scope than the others, but from the first grumble that comes out of his mouth you know it's the same guy and you know you're going to love watching him do his thing. The only thing wrong with this movie is that stupid, "we better change the title for overseas because... I forget, but maybe we better." "Oh yeah, totally" thing that must have happened in some boardroom somewhere. Oh yeah, the supporting cast, effects, stunts, action, in this film, all top notch too.

She's the Man - yes the one with Amanda Bynes. What? It was on and I was bored and we came together to have some fun. There are a lot of jokes you see coming. There are jokes that really shouldn't exist about boys walking with a swagger or grabbing their junk at every opportunity. But all in all it was quite fun and I enjoyed it.

The Da Vinci Code - The movie version of the book is just as ludicrous as the book, but also just as entertaining... with added Audrey Tautou. It seems to me like a fairly good adaptation. The clues are still far too easy for a code breaker like Sophie and a Professor like Langdon to take that long to solve though.

Pirate Master - Yes, I watch the CBS flop reality show Pirate Master, but it's only because I want that boat... and maybe Nessa. Having done poorly in the ratings CBS decided they would not waste the air-time on it any more so the last group of episodes are being "aired" online, on a weekly schedule. But here's something interesting the corporate geniuses at CBS didn't think about, they have a banner at the top of the page where the episodes play showing you the contestants. Those who are still active are in colour, and those that have been cut adrift are greyed out. So when you go to see the latest show, if you have even the merest hint of working peripheral vision, you know who gets voted off the show you're now watching. Congratulation CBS, you've just ruined for its remaining fans the show you've already ruined. Still, it's not that great a show anyway, it's far too short to show everything they should be showing to get you interested in what's going on. These shows always stick to the formula that's killing them. Previously -> couple of faces talking -> today's challenge -> heavily edited challenge where you have no intellectual part to play at home so you can't tell if you're smarter than the contestants -> winners and losers -> a little bit of scheming, but not enough to get a sense of the people -> vote them off including cowardice and backstabbing to get rid of the competent and interesting people -> tear-filled goodbye + walk, drift, cab, into the sunset. Seriously though, I want that boat! I want a huge wooden galleon I can sail the oceans on. That's one lovely boat and the people who get to sail it for the show are lucky, lucky people, even the ones that got voted off early. I want that boat!... and maybe Nessa.

Studio 60 - is over. I enjoyed it immensely. I wish it hadn't been cancelled, but I guess from the moment I started liking it, its fate was sealed.

Back with nothing to say.

2007-07-25T05:51:50Z

Maybe, never really went away, with nothing to say.

Here's some shadows made with rubbish.

Moving on, I have the new Harry Potter book, and am of course avoiding the spoiler haven that is the internet. Normally I wouldn't buy the book, since I don't have the others, and then borrow Kenny's once he's done, but this time my mum came in with one for me, so there wasn't much point of not reading it then. Despite the R.R.P., inside being £17.99 she got it for £8.99. Amazing. I wonder if anyone will ever pay full price for that book.

No, I haven't finished it yet. I read quite slowly. It's something I've been thinking about for a while. I've looked up some stuff on the internet about reading faster recently in the hopes I can speed up. I like to imagine all the time I could save and how much more I could get done if I could only double my reading speed or more. In my travels I came across some very unlikely sounding statistics:

"The average person reads at about 200 wpm [words per minute] with about 60% comprehension. With our techniques you can raise that to over 1,000 wpm with 85% comprehension." People don't comprehend all of what they read? That's either shocking, or bullshit. Personally I read at around 250 wpm, which is the average according to other sites, but I get, unsurprisingly 100% comprehension. Why would I spend my time reading if I didn't? I just can't imagine looking at a text and keeping going even though I'm only taking in just over half of what's on the page. What's the point of that? I think the numbers must be wrong, for effect. I know I'd keep going over a text again and again until I comprehended everything I was reading. Sure, that might drop my reading rate to 30 wpm, but at least I'd be taking in the information. If you're not comprehending everything aren't you just giving your eyes a several hour long workout, passing them back and forth over what could essentially be identical pieces of paper? If that was your thing that'd be quite a space saver. Instead of taking a novel with you on the bus you could just take a couple of sheets of paper and then repeatedly skim them. You'd get the same enjoyment of the eye movements wouldn't you?

Speaking of taking the novel with you on the bus, save your manly pride whilst reading Harry Potter with these extra manly replacement covers.

So what have I been reading, "The Selfish Gene" by Richard Dawkins, which is a wonderful little book. The way we're taught evolution in school is nothing like as well put as this book. Perhaps they should be using it in class. I'm moving on to "The Blind Watchmaker" next. So what's "The Selfish Gene about?" Basically it's an argument for the idea of the basic unit of natural selection being the gene. It's a very simply and clearly written book, which is exactly what you need if you only normally understand 60% of what you read. There's no point in me saying much more though because it's a really old book. I think he revisits and expands on the ideas in it in "The Extended Phenotype" anyway. Maybe I'll say more once I've read that.

What happens when your shoes turn to jelly? Anchors laugh. Me too. I laugh every time I watch this.

Do you know what else makes me laugh? Community Channel on Youtube. I'd give you a list of favourite videos, but we'd be here a while. You should watch lots. Oh, remember to watch "Just to say hello and stuff about my project.. blah" before "... i was the dancing girl (follow up on my project)" just because otherwise you'll not quite get it. At the time this blog went to press the video on her main page was "random hello/harry potter/outtakes" which features a bit about the music on TV quiz shows which reminds me of this classic youtube video featuring someone on the French "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." If there's a lesson to be learned from that it's never to ask the audience on the French "Millionaire." You have been warned. There's a lot of links to click there and if you're smart you'll spend the day watching Community Channel's videos so I'll leave you for now. Reviews tomorrow.

Late

2007-06-23T07:29:00Z

I got up extremely late today. For the last few days I've been getting up at 4.30 a.m., which is really fantastic. It wouldn't be so fantastic if I was doing that in winter and there were still another five hours of darkness to contend with, but in the summer, it's fab. It's amazing how much I can get done at 4.30 in the morning. Today I got up at 8.00 a.m., meaning I missed those most productive hours. I hope this isn't me emerging out of that old pattern and into a new one already. I really like the 4.30 up pattern. I hope even more that I'm not going to end up in a pattern where I'm going to have to fight to stay awake or get up for my new job which starts on Monday. It's only temp work, but it's something on my CV and a possible reference, which should be a big help in looking for something more permanent.

But how? Some of you must be asking. How could you of all people get up at 4.30? I've told some of you before. It's not that I'm attuned to staying up at night. I'm just not good at regulating when I sleep at all. It's a lottery to me. I'm just as likely to be awake during the day as at night. Getting up at 4.30 meant falling asleep around 8.00 p.m., (20.00). Falling asleep at 8.00 p.m., (20.00) meant getting up at 4.30, until today. So last night I got 12 hours. That means I'm tired and unalert this morning. It's funny how too much sleep can often be as bad as too little.

Anyway, I highly recommend 4.30 as a wake up time. Try it. Now, on with the day.

Go fourth with the samples

2007-06-22T04:00:45Z

A shorter one this time, and probably the last.

Chapter 1

Introductions are in order

Stealing is wrong…

Viktys slunk along the corridor making no sound, dipping in and out of the pools of black left in the gaps between the flickering gas lamps that lined the sleek stone walls.

…deep down, I know that…

Up a small flight of stairs the bare stone floor gave way to plush carpeting, marking Viktys’ progress from the servant’s quarters to the main areas of the house. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their servants, but in Viktys’ experience all servants were treated the same: poorly.

The Carpet was red, with a braided gold pattern running along the side of it. It was probably worth a fortune, more even than the tapestries on the walls and the gold candelabras on the windowsills. The servants would never be able to afford such a thing if they were to save for ten lifetimes.

…but it’s hard to think of right and wrong when you’re as good at something as I am.

Around a corner and the dark corridor gave way to a shining pool of light. There was nowhere to hide here, no shadows to dive into. Stealth gave way to speed and Viktys thanked whoever lay down the carpet that cushioned the sound of his now jogging strides.

For me, that something is stealing.

“Well duh, Vik, you kind of already gave that away. Man, even in your own head you sound like a moron.” His jog descended back to a walk as his mind turned its attention inward. “‘Great Thief, Terrible Writer: The Viktys Story.’ There’s the makings of a classic right there. That’ll be on the shelves of all the great libraries.

His arms waved as he talked, his mouth sending out a torrent of self abuse and degradation. Viktys is the proud owner of the attention span of a gnat.

Well, that's that done. Not as interesting as either of us first hoped, huh?

Sample the third

2007-06-21T05:07:56Z

Here's the third sample. I actually chopped a bit off the end of this one for you. It said, "Chapter 1. Jacob was sleeping." So as you see, no great loss. I like it when I don't have to think about what to blog of a morning. Maybe I'll spend today writing a whole bunch more of these so I'll never have to think of a blog topic again.

Prologue

Finger scraped bone. He felt the small dimples that scoured its surface, where the muscles used to attach themselves.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can you touch it?”

“I can touch it but I can’t get it.”

Jacob strained as hard as he could against the rocks trying to squish a few extra inches out of his shoulder. In his mind’s eye he saw his finger elongating. It turned into a little snake, stretching the skin, wriggling forward more and more, please be enough, just enough to.

“No, I can’t.”

“Let me try.”

“No. You’re smaller than me, you’ll never reach it.”

“Let me try anyway.”

“It’s getting late. We should probably go home,” said Jacob, looking up at Eric, who was pacing around in front of the hole, trying to get a decent look inside past Jacob’s shoulder.

“Then give me one try first, just one.” Said Eric, almost pleading now, frightened his chance would slip by if he didn’t seize this very opportunity.

Jacob picked himself up from the ground and took one last wistful look into the hole. It was only just large enough to allow his arm access and the boulders around it were far too heavy for the meagre muscles of Eric and himself to move.

He moved his head from side to side a little, staring into the gap until he caught a flicker of something white. Whatever it was, it was drawing at his curious mind like there was an invisible rope attached between the two. It didn’t look like an egg. He was certain of that. Birds wouldn’t lay eggs in a place like that. Snakes might, but if he thought for a second there could be a snake in there his hand would never have left the pockets of his dungarees.

He moved aside, letting Eric in to have a try. Eric was a head smaller than Jacob at least. He never stood a chance, but gave it his best shot anyway. He wiggled and squirmed like he thought he was on the edge of it, but Jacob knew there was too far for his little arms to go. That didn’t stop Eric pulling some great faces of effort, and uttering lines about how nearly he had it but then he lost his footing and slipped back so it was once again just out of reach.

There was a moment of doubt though. A single moment when Eric’s eyes lit up, widening like a great darkness had just descended upon him.

“Yes, yes!” Eric cried, pulling his hand out of the whole and clutching his prize so tightly you couldn’t see a sliver of it past his whitening fingers. He slowly released his grip from around it. Before they were even half open it wiggled out between his fingers, streaming hundreds of legs over his hand. The millipede found itself airborne a second later as Eric’s reflexes finally kicked in sending a spasm of fright up his arm.

Jacob nearly doubled over, but tried desperately to contain himself as Eric sprawled backwards on his hands and feet, like an upside-down crab fleeing an upside-down shark.

“Gods! Did you see that thing? It was… nearly had my hand off.” Eric said, his face flush, breathing erratic. “Did you see it?” Jacob had turned his back to hide his laughter. “It was all yellow and black. That means poison you know.”

Jacob turned to watch Eric clamber to his feet, in control now.

“It almost had you,” said Jacob, a spit of laughter escaping with the last word and turning into a full out laugh.

“It’s not funny,” laughed Eric, unable to help it in the face of Jacob’s struggle to breathe. “It’s not funny. It almost had me. You wouldn’t be laughing if you had to tell my parents I was dead.”

“Killed by the BEAST OF BILTON!” Jacob could hardly contain himself. “I’d be honoured to tell the whole town about such a heroic death.”

“Shut up. It’s not funny,” said Eric, almost all the way back to town.

Behind them, in the hole, creatures were stirring. Black bodied, hundred legged, parchment and membrane winged creatures of all different kinds, scurried around looking for the light, and escape. Something else was stirring in the hole, something tickled by a child’s careless finger. The memories imbedded in bone, awoke.

I think if there're a moral to that beginning of a story it's, Kids = Trouble!

Shame - Part 2

2007-06-20T04:18:59Z

Listen people, let's not say nice things while I'm shaming myself, OK?

This one is older than the last one, and significantly shorter. The dialogue is awful, and the transitions, even worse. I suck at transitions. They're the thing I find hardest.

Downpour

She smelled of roses and rain: intoxicating and pure. Her hair clung, dripping, to the side of her face and when she brushed it away, her fingers glistened. Rosanna De Las Lluvias, against all advice, stood on the highest, easternmost balcony of the palace and watched the horizon for the first signs of her approaching future. She wouldn’t be moved for the world.

“Princess, please. Do you really want to meet him for the first time with a runny nose?” Her handmaiden, Lucille, was always looking out for her best interests, or more precisely what the King had instructed her that his daughter’s best interests were.

“He won’t care.” Her voice was as soft as the wind, as perfect as a single snowflake landing on a child’s waiting tongue.

“Well, no, you’re right, of course he won’t, but if we have to get you out of those wet clothes after he arrives you’ll only keep him waiting.” Lucille had been trying for the last three hours to get Rosanna back inside, without raising her ire. It was something she thought she’d become good at over the last several years, but today seemed to be proving her all wrong. She’d given up on tact over half an hour ago and had now resorted to random questions, hoping one of them would have a different answer.

“He won’t care.”

She sounded so sure. So perfectly sure that this was meant to be. Lucille had never seen a more willing participant in an arranged marriage, especially from someone who had never seen their intended.

“You can see just as well from inside you know. I mean, you might not be able to see all around but you can see the road they’ll be riding in on well enough.”

“Thank you Lucille. I’m fine here.”

Lucille shook her head and went back inside to once again fiddle with all the things she’d arranged for when Rosanna decided to come back inside. Towels: that was it. She’d thought of bringing the dress up here for a quick change when they saw Prince Dairis’ party arriving, but there simply wasn’t anywhere clean enough to put it. Dust had blown in from outside before the rain started and no one had been up here to sweep the place since. Dust... another idea popped into her head, which she stuck once again just under the eaves, far enough to be heard, but not so far as to become a target for even the smallest of raindrops. She wasn’t young and foolish like her Princess. Well, she corrected herself mentally, I’m not foolish anyway.

“You know, with all this rain the road up will be a veritable swamp. It could be hours before you even catch a glimpse of them. And it’s not as though you’ll see the dust from the hooves when they’re close either. They’ll be right on top of us before you can get dried up.”

Rosanna turned to her and smiled.

“Thank you Lucille, but I’m okay for now. If I tire, or it gets dark, or I start to sniffle, or I get too cold, or hungry, or if I just feel like it, I’ll come inside. I promise.”

“Of course, Your Highness.”

I'm glad we've got that out of the way.

Ugh.

2007-06-19T13:02:42Z

I think I've decided to put some of my old beginnings up here to shame me into learning how to write properly. I could do with reading a lot more too. The more you write, the better you get, or so people say, but I'm too busy thinking about all the cool things I could be writing to actually write them. John August has an interesting interview here. I agree with him that I'm not so good at the writing, but I love having written. He's better at pushing past the discomfort than me though, by a mile. I really like this snippit:

"(By the way, this -- answering questions for an email interview -- isn't writing. This is talking with a keyboard, which is damn near effortless. I think one of the dangerous things that's come with the rise of the Internet is that people are confusing typing with writing. Just because your words are captured in a UTF-8 character set doesn't mean that you're actually writing. Writing involves carefully shaping a thought for its desired impact. Writing means anticipating the reader's reaction, and honoring (or defeating) that expectation. Writing requires logic. Blogging just requires an account.)"

It's all good stuff.

Recently I've been looking over some of the stuff I started writing but never got anywhere near doing anything with before I chucked it and moved on. It's been an interesting experience. I feel like I've fed all my latest and dearest works into an all knowing computer, listened to it beep and whizz for a while and then had it print on screen "Congratulations you've now attained the level of: fucking amateur" with those last two words, underlined, in bold, 4 points larger than the rest of the message, all in caps, and flashing alternating eye-catching colours. Then it prints a shiny badge with my name and new designation on it... which also flashes.

Here then is something I started sometime shortly after the fall of Rome.

All you have to do is…

Jonas fell to the ground, the dust of the road making a new home in his nose and mouth. His lips parted enough to allow his tongue to poke out. Then came a raspy breath, a futile, subconscious attempt to expel the new coating on his tongue. Dirt plus saliva equals mud. This was the mathematics of his life, and it didn’t taste good.

His eyes fought to focus on something, anything, and finally settled on his bloodied hand. Then a boot came crunching down on it. The pain must have been there but it didn’t reveal itself as the searing sensation he expected. Instead, it rippled through him as a simple shiver, a stall in his heart-beat and breathing, and utter disbelief at how easily the hand crumpled. He tried to move it, but couldn’t muster the energy. Then the pain started revealing itself. It was a throb, slowly pulsating, and every second it grew in intensity. If he kept the hand perfectly still, this would be the extent of it.

There were footsteps behind him, shuffling through the dust, probably getting ready for another kick or stomp. Then it came, into his back, his right kidney. The throb in his hand became a scream, and then slowly calmed to a conversation; an argument in waiting. That last kick, there was something about it, something half-hearted.

The sound of the footsteps changed, the shuffling became crunching as dirt turned to gravel. They were walking: walking away by the sound of it. Jonas didn’t move; he hardly dared to breathe. Anything, the simplest sign of life, of defiance and they’d be back to finish the job. Getting back to your feet was always asking to be put back on your knees; or worse, your face.

He stopped thinking about defiance as soon as it had entered his head. He didn’t have enough energy left in him for that. He probably didn’t have enough energy in him to do anything ever again. The thought would have been frightening, if he’d had enough energy left to really consider it. As it was his only concern was that when they found his corpse the left side of his face would be a bubbling mess from the unrelenting sun and its pitiless clear blue sky. Wasn’t there supposed to be rain when someone died?

He listened to car doors open and close and the beginning of the struggle to get the engine to start. A chug combined with a swish, repeating, dreamlike, hazy. Swish, swish, went through his ears and made its way to his eyes. They seemed to close without his control, like he was falling asleep but was too tired to stop it. The red through his eyelids was haunting. This is where you’re headed Jonas, a red place; very, very red.

There was a fly or something on his cheek, it felt funny. He screwed up his face as best he could to try to get rid of it. The red faded to black and the fly jumped and landed where it had been. No, it splattered where it had been. Then another fly splashed near his temple. Confused, he opened his eyes, strangely now willing. It didn’t seem to work, though it felt like it had. Or maybe, yes, it was a lighter dark. There was another splash. He turned his head to look at the dark clouds covering the night sky and opened his mouth to the rain.

Minutes passed before he could find it in himself to sit up. He put weight on the stomped hand and immediately realised what a mistake it was. The pain that was dulled before, when there was too much for his mind to take in, was real and visceral now. He wasn’t going to get revenge with that hand any time soon. Luckily the hand that held his trigger finger was still in one piece.

He tried to shake his head, but thought better of it when the nausea came. Who was he kidding; they’d kill him the moment he set foot within an inch of the city limits. He looked at the hand, smashed and bloodied, through the eye that wasn’t swollen shut and realised how lucky he’d been. He’d seen a lot worse. Sure, it’d been on corpses, but then that’s what they’d intended for him wasn’t it? Leave him out here for that agonising, slow death that he knew was coming and couldn’t do anything about. No, it wasn’t even that, they just didn’t care. They didn’t care if he lived or died, they were indifferent. They were just doing their jobs. Some live, some die, it’s just another day to them. It was nothing personal. The thought lingered in his head for a while as he accepted the rain.

When everything was still inside, his breathing calmed after the last burst of pain and his dry throat thoroughly watered, he forced himself to stand. It was a single, fast movement that ended in a stagger. Anything slower and he knew the pain would overtake him and he would slam back into the ground, possibly for good.

He stood frozen in place until the screams and races inside him quietened again, the whole time his mind trying to work out its next step. East; back to the city; his wife; his troubles. West; disappear; become someone else; free.

He shuffled around to face east for the last time. They’d done a good job. He couldn’t even see the city. He didn’t get one last glance at the place of his birth, the place he’d spent every day he could ever remember. Every other city, every other opportunity, was only a few fleeting glimpses on TV to him.

He closed his eyes to shield them from the high-beams of a passing car. In the darkness he saw his TV past the worn-old socks he rested on the coffee table. Tiffany came through carrying a steaming cup of coffee. It smelled good, so good, and the addicted part of him nearly leaped out through his chest. Had he really not had a single cup, all day?

She kicked his legs with the same force she used to move the dog when it was lying in the doorway. The dog never moved and she always had to step over it, but he did. She put the cup where his feet had been and sat beside him, the soft, worn cushions tilting her into him. He didn’t know the words he needed to describe that sensation. He’d miss that. She was soft, she was warm… she was comfortable? She was just right, she was just right. There was no other way to say it. They just fit together like yin and yang, like strawberries and cream, hot showers and soft towels. Like bullets and guns.

"I’m sorry Tiff." He spoke the words into the air, opened his eyes and turned to head west. The road was straight, and long. He didn’t know how long. He’d never been out this way before. For all he knew it was a hundred miles to the next town. He’d probably die on the road, but that was better than certain death in the city.

I think I need to learn the art of re-writing. Not just cosmetic, touch it up, add a few long words, fix the spelling, re-writing, but real, full-on, let me write this scene, chapter, or even half, in a completely new way, re-writing.

Jobs

2007-06-18T08:18:05Z

Damn it, damn it, damn it all to heck!

This morning I was looking through the job section of a jobs website, (it's therefore quite a big section) and while I was reading all the ways I was unqualified to apply to the available positions I found one I'd never seen before. It's getting beyond a joke. It's like they're targeting me specifically. Under the requirements for this post they've gone and put, "PC Illiterate" I shit ye not.

[Update] - What? I can update if I want.

I saw a job listed on one site and under travel expenses it said, "paid by an employee." Sucks to be them, but they should have read their contract.

Another one, when you clicked on the more company information link said, "Super Market." How cool is that? Who would want to work for an ordinary market or an ordinary supermarket when they could work there?

These people already have jobs.

The world is making me cry.

I'm rubbish at travel.

2007-06-16T05:30:13Z

Yesterday I set a new personal record. I managed to miss 3 buses within the space of about 3 minutes. I'll wait until your awe of my talent fades before I continue. Okay, I was heading out and as I was turning the corner on to the main road I remembered I'd left something behind, so I went and got it. As I turned the corner on to the main road for a second time a bus swooshed through the rain past me. I didn't bother turning around after that to check the road. What was the point, I'd already missed the bus, and I'd have to turn my whole body because it was raining so I had my hood up. Then a second bus swooshed past. I consoled myself with the thought that I'd not have made it to the bus stop on time anyway, even if I'd turned around after the first, spotted the second, and made a run for it. The next consoling thought was that I could now walk to the end of the street and get something to eat before the next bus showed up. To put this in a way that won't make me sound crazy, I had a sneaking suspicion that what happened next was about to. I walked to the shop, pushed open the door but stopped and looked round and just at that moment the third bus went splashing through the rain on its merry old way. I'm rubbish at travel.

I also lost something in my pocket, which I have right here. I took my camera out for a while to take some pictures, and to save it from scratches I carried it in its little cotton pouch. After taking a few shots I stuck it back in my pocket, but I was sitting down and it was crowded and I couldn't be bothered fiddling so I didn't bother putting it into the pouch. Later, as I took more pictures and was standing up, I decided to use the pouch again, but when I looked for it, it was gone. I took everything out of my pocket, I turned it inside out, gone. I decided, for reasons that will remain a mystery, not to worry about it. I continued taking things out and putting things in my pocket all night without a second thought. When I got home and started to empty my pocket the very first thing I felt, and took out, was the cotton pouch. Turns out I'm also rubbish at losing things too.

On the plus side, I'm really good at sleeping.

Blink

2007-06-10T05:01:06Z

Doctor Who - "Blink" - Russell T. Davies is said to be leaving his position as showrunner on Doctor Who at the end of this season. I hope Steven Moffat, the writer of this latest episode, is the person that replaces him... provided he wants the job and can bring out this level of excellence in the rest of the writers. Moffat is the man that introduced us to "The Girl in the Fireplace," got the phrase "Are you my mummy?" stuck in the brains of schoolkids all over the land and now brings us "Blink." "Don't turn your back on them; don't look away; don't even blink!" warns the doctor from his place in the past where he can do nothing to help Sally Sparrow, the hero of this particular episode.

Sally is a wonderful character, funny, adventurous and very clever (as she tells us) and so is the supporting cast. Comedy writers make the best drama writers too in my book. There's something about humour that attaches me to a character far more than sudden peril ever will. When the peril comes second, I'm always hooked. Here the peril actually comes first, but it's in the form of the teaser and there's some humour being ripped off a wall at the same time, so it still works. Moffat has somewhere along his life found that secret that others struggle for. He gets you invested in the characters so when the pathos hits it hits hard, rather than just piling up the drama like a Jenga tower and hoping that the sheer weight of it will make you care. Jenga towers are fragile, or else the game wouldn't sell. Yes pathos makes drama, but it's about people you want to see happy getting the tough breaks, not just people moping around in despair. "The Girl in the Fireplace" shows this off perfectly. Instead of the usual danger, danger, danger, safe! style of plot, TGitF has danger, ohhh, hope, hope, fear, hope, ... I wouldn't want to spoil it if you haven't watched it, though I fear I might have already.

That's off point. The performances in Blink are excellent, and we're spared the Doctor's weekly "Ah-ha! I am so clever," speech, which is a good thing. Also, there's a good deal more time-travel-y, twisty, paradox stuff in this episode. It's just damn good TV. I like good TV.

What makes me think Moffat has the chops to be a showrunner? Look at the resume. In his career he's written, amongst other things, 42 episodes of the drama "Press Gang," in the late 80s/early 90s, and 28 episodes of the hit comedy "Coupling." (The British one, not the short lived American travesty.) He can do it alright. I guess it's greedy to hope he'll write the entire next series himself. Hmmm, I'm going to go check my junk mail filter and see if he's trying to sell me viagra too... maybe I can use that as an in to the staff. They must be looking for new people if Davies is leaving. I hear some others might leave with him too. We'll see. Either way, I'm certain the show will continue. The BBC love that they've found one of their old properties, made it new again, and found out it's a success as a prime-time Saturday night family show. I wish other channels took their lead so I didn't have to hide away from all these damn talent contests every weekend.

Sitting on the couch all day

2007-06-09T04:25:16Z

I was watching a show the other day called “Edwardians in Colour” which is basically a show that shows you the turn of the century in colour. The episode I watched the other night was about Albert Kahn, a French banker and philanthropist who commissioned a project to create a photographic record of the entire Earth. The photographers he hired used black & white photography, cinematography, and some of the very first colour photography.

Some of the images are simply spellbinding. There are images of China and Japan, at a time we only see in the movies these days, and there are strange things to behold that are lost to these modern filmmakers. I saw a Chinese man leave his house and shoo away a street urchin sitting on his steps. Then his friend came over and they bowed to each other this strange, low bow that also seemed half curtsey. There was a Mongolian noble woman in Ulaanbaatar who was as covered in dirt as the peasants around her, but you could tell her status by her fabulously elaborate hair and the rich reds and golds of her clothes.

Some of the most amazing photographs were taken in Brazil, in a city not so renowned for its beauty now, except one specific spot. Rio de Janeiro was such a different place back then. Clean streets, large colonial houses, no concrete tower blocks or expressways, and most amazing of all, in the forest covered hills surrounding the fledgling city, no favelas. It put me in mind of town in the Caribbean, which I guess makes sense considering the time. Imagine Cuba without cars, and you’ll get the idea.

BBC Four does some wonderful documentary television. I’m glad it exists.

The other day I was watching the news on my Spanish channel and as they came back unexpectedly from a story I caught a look at one of the anchors typing away at the computer on her desk. I always though they were there for effect, or to give details on late breaking news rather than having someone in the control room speak into the presenter’s ear (which must be massively distracting) but it seems they are actually used for something. Maybe she was signing into Facebook.

Yesterday I got an email from Stephen Colbert! He wanted to sell me Viagra or Cialis, or maybe both. At least he didn’t try to tell me I’m too small and must by some man enhancing cream or commit ritual suicide in shame. I don’t know what I was thinking when I saw that name and clicked on it. I guess it was something along the lines of… “Huh? What’s that all about? Better click it and see…” Maybe, subconsciously, I thought he’d decided to hire me to write for his show having seen absolutely no samples of anything I’d ever done. Hey, it could happen. Well, maybe I’ll think twice before opening unsolicited mail from celebrities in future… well, unless it’s Kristin Kreuk. I still have faith in you Rob.

I want a mag-lev. I just watched another show about them and I want one now. It doesn’t even have to be for my own personal use. Other people can use it too. What’s not to love about a 450km/h train? Why aren’t these standard around the world yet? Up to now only China has one. It runs from Shanghai to the airport and covers the 19 mile distance in around 7 ½ minutes. When you allow for slowing down for bends (to 200km/h) accelerating and decelerating without whiplash effects and all that boring stuff, and still end up with an average speed of 152 mph (yes that one’s in miles per hour) that’s pretty damn impressive. Add to that the knowledge that the trains run on time, generally to within the second. Add to that the pollution free running, except at the electricity generation end (which can of course be reduced with clean electricity production techniques instead of coal fired power). Why are we still using aeroplanes for short haul… or in fact anything that doesn’t cross an ocean?

Not that I’d actually get to go on one if they had them. The Boy is coming up for the beer festival next week and we booked him tickets on an aeroplane that flies in the sky. In the SKY! It cost £37 for each leg of the trip, plus taxes and charges and it all came out at £130. That’s for within this little island. I just checked what the same thing would cost on a normal train, £119. That’s a train, that goes nowhere near the sky. £119… I… I’m never going to be able to afford a ride on a mag-lev. So much for save the environment, save money, take the train. Who is going to take the train and spend eight hours trundling along when they can get to where they’re going in one hour for only a brown drinking voucher more? (Other than train lovers. I like the train. I liked that train from Jasper to Vancouver, that was awesome.)

Speaking of liking trains, and sensible prices… £119 from Southampton to Edinburgh and back right, well you can take the Trans-Siberian railway from Moscow to Beijing for as little as £160 if you buy your tickets on the ground in Russia. Google map that and just see the kind of discrepancy we’re talking about. It’ll blow your mind. I hope I’m rich enough to ride when they finally make the Trans-Siberian Mag-lev.

The Vikings – Yeah, the 1958 one. I watched it again the other day because I recently got a series of lectures on the Vikings. It was surprisingly entertaining. They don’t put music over every inch of the film like that any more. It was just joyful fun this film. I thought it was great watching this under-populated Viking kingdom (which could muster enough men for only 3 ships) raid a castle in England which didn’t seem to have enough men to man 1 ship. The funniest part (unintentionally I’m sure), was that they kept going on about how if they don’t die with a sword in their hands they won’t reach Valhalla. It made no sense therefore that most of the Vikings seemed to fight with axes. Isn’t that a one way ticket to a sucky afterlife?

Still, they don’t make movies like that anymore where they just throw aside realism and go for the adventure. (How real is a man with one hand rowing to another country within a couple of days of having his hand cut off and then fighting again and hitting people with it a couple of days after that?) I’d like to one day make a film in that old school style. I think that’s what Tarantino was supposed to be doing with “Grindhouse” but I haven’t seen that yet, and that was a different era and style of film he was going for. A new, old blockbuster. Doesn’t that sound like something worth watching? Hmmm, maybe I should check if there aren’t any old blockbusters I’ve just never watched yet before I get to that.

Oh, and will someone please go into my head with a some pliers and pull that damn theme music out of there!

Scary Movie 4 – Really funny at times. On saying that, I hope the Scary Movie franchise pictures aren’t the only spoofs we get to see from now on. I miss the ones with a single theme and plot. Because Scary movie tries to add bits of everything remotely scary that came out before it (this time: Saw, War of the Worlds, Brokeback Mountain) it gets a little disjointed at time. There are moment where jokes are thrown in, and don’t get me wrong they’re funny, but they really break the flow of the piece at times. Maybe I’m wrong but people seem to take too long to come back from the spoofery in these ones too, as in, there’s too much of a pause for laughter. I don’t know where I get off laying that kind of criticism on the man that directed “Airplane!” and “The Naked Gun” but for some reason it’s coming out.

The difference in my mind is that because of the single thread in those other movies the jokes are more in context, in situ, in the moment. The main characters in those films play it straight and let the weirdness go on around them. In the Scary Movie series we start with a main character who has a strange, dumb-blonde voice, then things that should never be there show up, and then some comedy side-kicks come in. I mean they’re characters that would be laughable acting that way in any movie… how do I put this, they’re just too zany for me, even though I’m watching a spoof.

Look back at films like “Blazing Saddles,” “The Naked Gun” and “Airplane!” and you see a coherent, straight line story. There are no goofy names, voices, attitudes, or any of that, except background characters and cut-to jokes, (“Leon’s getting laaaaarger.”) Anyway I’d like to see these guys tackle something like that again… get a plot and spoof it, rather than finding things you’d like to spoof and then patching them together to create a movie. That’s probably not what they did either time, but I hope the meaning of what I’m saying makes up for any false interpretations of their process. Anyway, I do find the Scary Movies funny, just not on the same level as the old films. Well, rather, I find some of the moments and jokes funny rather than the experience as a whole. I appreciate the 90 minute length too. Some times you want to watch an epic, sometimes you just want to sit for long enough to have some fun and that’s it. These movies do that.

I actually watched this because I was looking through Sky Anytime and it was one of the movies on it. I didn’t have to wait for it to start, think ahead to recording it or go to the video store for it, which made it welcome. I don’t know that I’d have watched it yet if it’d not been so convenient. The same goes for that megastructures I watched about the mag-levs. I would never have known it was on if not for Sky Anytime, and if I did I maybe wouldn’t have tuned in anyway, but when it’s just there to be started and tested it’s nice.

I’ve been watching a lot fewer movies on Sky recently because they changed their system. Instead of having a bunch of channels where anything can come on they divided up the channels by genre. For a while it sucked because there used to be ten channels, two of which would stop overnight and restart in the morning, and then they changed to the new system where four channels shut down over night, and one of those channels isn’t a real channel, it’s a +1 channel of movies premiere. Now they’ve added two new channels mirroring the HD channels making up for the losses. The HD channels used to mirror the first two movie channels until the switch. After the switch to the new system they stopped doing that which was a bitch because they had the best line-ups. Now they’ve brought back regular definition mirrors it’s more likely I’ll be watching or recording films again.

Why did I find myself watching less? Well the channels I’m most likely to watch are the ones that stop during the night, premiere & (+1), scifi/horror, and Indie. During the night is when I’m awake. So why not record them? Well Sky hatched this wonderful plan so that people wouldn’t miss the premieres on Sky Movies Premiere: they’d show the same movies at the same time every night for a week (another way we were getting fewer movies under the new system.) It’s a nice thought, except for people who’re always busy at those times and so will have to wait until those movies circulate onto the other channels to watch them… and then there’s my problem.

Sky know what the most popular movies are likely to be, so although there are five premieres a week, only one or two are likely to be watched by most people… so these go on at prime-time. Makes sense right? Except, they’re on at prime-time all week. I watch too much television, therefore I’m watching or recording things at prime-time all week. If I’m not recording two things, I’m recording one and my Mum is watching some soap-opera or something like that. Consequently I don’t get to record or watch those movies while they’re on Premiere, and I have to wait until they get into the normal circulation and air at a different time, which can take weeks. I know, I have to wait, boo hoo, but it’s irritating and I often miss them when they’re in the normal circulation because I forget about them and stop looking.

Star Trek : Nemesis – “He thinks he knows what I’m going to do… you’re in command number one.” Problem solved. Haven’t we learned by now anyone that looks like Data, but isn’t, is probably a bad thing waiting to happen? It’s weird that they never suspected B-4 of being Lore. Another ship that can fire whilst cloaked: interesting. Anyway, another Star Trek movie, so I don’t think I need to say more.

I’m going to miss Studio 60. I like the people in it. I like Jordan (she’s wacky) and Matt (he’s funny) and Danny (he’s constantly on edge) and Jack (he’s somehow holding it together even though no-one understands they should just do their jobs) and most of the rest too. No Mr TV-Maker we shall not give you time to build your audience. Perhaps they don’t realise that this trend of cancelling shows quite early is just going to continue as fewer and fewer people watch TV in the same way they used to. Maybe the numbers these shows are getting are good enough for this day and age, we just can’t see it as easily because they’re being compared to the few monsters out there and the TV purse-string holders are convinced that those high end numbers will be achievable with the right product when there’s maybe only room for one or two of those a year so the “low” numbers you’re actually getting are maybe the best that you can hope for. It doesn’t matter how good the show you have on is, if people don’t switch on their TVs anymore they’re not going to catch your really great new show until the people that do switch on tell them about it and those that might be tempted get a chance to catch it from the start to see what the fuss is about.

No, that’s not my grand theory of TV. That’s just something that spilled out my head there. I’m not even sure it makes sense. I do have grand theories of TV though… if only I had the will to type them up.

Review-a-palooza

2007-06-04T14:19:58Z

I just finished watching the last episode in this season's “Lost.” Yes there will be spoilers coming up now. You might find it hard to believe, but I did realise it wasn't a flashback this week but instead a flash-forward. How did I work it out? Jack's cell-phone. That model wasn't available when the plane crashed, or should I say when it was supposed to have crashed; obviously it's not real. (As in it’s a TV show. This is not the start of another great “Lost” conspiracy theory.) Of course, if you were to ask me if I now have a clue what on earth is happening on the island I'd have to say "No!" I don't know why I'd say it so forcefully, but it seems the right way to say it.

It's been a good season. Although there hasn't been all that much revelation, we don't know much more about their island, it's still an enjoyable and entertaining show. Something I haven't mentioned before is that the music is always exceptionally good on “Lost.” It really does help to set the mood. Everything from the swishy noise that takes us to a flashback to the concussion that takes us to the end of an act or an ad break plays its part to perfection. But the real beauty of the music is the slow, lingering piano. Without that, it would probably be a completely different show.

I wish someone would make a compilation video of the story of Jin and Sun. Theirs is a twisting, turning tale that has revealed quite some revelations to us. It doesn't all seem to have played out in the most chronological fashion. When you see the story from the point of view of the later episodes it gives you a whole new perspective on Sun being the good one and Jin being the bad one. I'd like to watch their story chronologically, all the way from the Sun being a little girl who lies really well, through the moment she borrowed money from her father subjecting Jin to a life of crime, to Jin becoming an overbearing ass and Sun deciding to leave him. Who knows, such video might already exist on the mighty Internet, but I haven't looked for it, which means I've never found it.

I never paid attention when they made the announcement of how many seasons were left to go. I just hope they're all as good as the first years have been.

300 - I laughed when I heard about the controversy surrounding this movie. A lot of people kept talking about how it was a politically motivated film all about the current war in Iraq and very anti-Iran. These people really do need to get a clue. The film is based on a graphic novel by Frank Miller and Lynn Varley which came out before the war started and it's a virtual word for word, shot for shot remake. When you don't buy into that drama you take it for the action movie it's supposed to be, and as an action movie it works well. There's nothing much more to say about it.

Girlfight - This one came out a long time ago and I've only just seen it. Michelle Rodriguez isn't as much of a bad ass in this as she usually is. Instead we get to see her vulnerable for the first time, perhaps the only time. Although, on saying that, her character on "Lost" had a few problems. Anyway, it's a good little movie and you can see how it spawned a career for Rodriguez. The good thing about this film is that it doesn't have an ending like "Million Dollar Baby." We get to like some people and then keep on liking them after the credits roll.

Inside Man - Warning, many spoilers - doesn't make a whole lot of sense motivation wise. Of all the motivations for robbing a bank, I still think money is the most plausible. Getting payback against those that profited from the Nazis is all very well and good but take some money while you're in there. You would also think that someone in the bank would have noticed the smell coming from the hastily cut latrine behind the shelves. Other than that, a completely adequate movie experience.

The Host - Fabulous. I like the kind of monster movie where the monster gets to run around in the sun. I think it says on the box that it's kind of a cross between "Jurassic Park" and "Jaws," which in a sense it is, but it doesn't have any of the wonder that happens at the start of "Jurassic Park." Well actually, there is a kind of wonder at the start, however, it's more in the "what is that giant thing running towards me?" sense. I really do like the monster not needing the dark thing. The incompetent government, tricky American thing is also good. But the real highlight of the film, the real driving force behind it, is the family. They're all different, they're all believable, and they're all wonderful to have on screen. Each comes with their own vice, which they will have to overcome during the course of the movie, and of course their own strengths. But it's the way they all come together to poke fun at each other's weaknesses and use each other’s strengths that makes them a believable on-screen family. There's going to be a big budget American remake; expect all the nuances of character to be lost, then a much happier ending to be added.

Re-cycle - was directed by the people that directed “The Eye.” If I remember correctly, they’re also the people that will be remaking “The Host” for the American market. Recycle starts as the story of a writer, then things go crazy. It's hard to tell you what it is really about without spoiling it all. It starts off with the look and feel of a horror like “The Grudge,” but then drifts into something more like an adult version of “Labyrinth.” There are some wonderful effects, and seemingly large production values at times, but then at other times, it distinctly looks like we’re on a sound stage. It's an interesting movie in that the idea is a good one, but you have to wonder about the execution at times. Even though it's visually splendid, there was so much more that could have been done with the actual storyline. It's certainly worth watching for the ideas it encourages you to think about. Maybe in a few years, when everyone's had a chance to watch it, I could talk about it some more, but until then, this would all be spoilers.

Buffy: the Vampire Slayer - Season 8 - this is only available in comics, but it is the direct continuation of the television series, written by Joss Whedon himself. We're only three issues in just now, but the quality is there for all to see. Things have moved on since the end of the TV series, but everyone you know and love is back. There's even a fantastic throwaway line that explains the whole "Immortal" episode of "Angel." Although The Joss himself is writing the first few issues, he will soon be handing it over to other writers to continue for him, but he will remain the showrunner, like he was on the series. I imagine the quality will therefore remain just as good. Amy has returned to do some dastardly magic, and so has Ethan Rayne. Xander is Mr command centre guy. Buffy is her usual go get ‘em self. Oh… and Dawn's a giant.

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